I feel as if we are catching up like old times over a good cup of coffee in our favorite spot. It has been over a month since I have written a post. Not for lack of news (I’ll update you don’t worry!) but because I had to take a hot minute to process some things. You see sometimes it takes me a long while to process emotions and events. More importantly, I really needed to ask Jesus some hard questions and get His perspective. I’m still kind of in the middle of and definitely don’t have all the answers but isn’t that our journey? To take it day by day, trust Him constantly, and allow Him to gently open our tightly clenched fists and take over the things we wish we could control.
Some of my tough questions came to the surface after my last oncology appointment. I’ve been feeling great physically. I have been able to witness firsthand a serious answer to prayers in the last few weeks and I felt selfish for not letting you know. I have experienced no side effects from my second chemo round! I have been able to get out and go on a few road trips, see some great pals, and just experience some normalcies of my life before treatment. I feel Jesus telling me that I am finally on the upswing of things and that now is a time to regain strength and prepare for the next exciting thing that He has for me! I’m telling you that those dreams and passions He spoke into my life during the most difficult lows of treatment have kept me going. I feel tears coming to my eyes as I recall the beautiful pictures of life He gave me when I felt like I had none left. So when my oncologist told me some difficult news at my last appointment I was able to look to my Jesus and see clearly the two paths set before me. One was to give into the fear of what my doctor said to me and be ruled by my emotions. The second was to look into the eyes of my Savior and be comforted by the fact that I answer to Him alone. I won’t lie to you and say that I didn’t fall into the first option for a few moments. I threw some assaulting questions at the Lord and cried before Him as my entitlement yelled different remarks. But He is big enough to take it. There wasn’t a moment where He turned away from me because my flesh was speaking for me. He knew my spirit of trust would prevail and that is why I’m sitting here typing these words. To encourage you to be open and honest with the Lord. He wants relationship with His creation which means all the good stuff but equally all the bad stuff. He wasn’t stripped bare on the cross for the good parts you present on Sunday’s but specifically for the darker parts you apply spiritual cosmetics to cover up. We all do it. So come clean before Jesus and have an honest conversation. Let Him in on your insecurities and doubts. Allow Him to flood into the rooms you’ve shut off and covered in caution tape. The process may be painful but He is the source of comfort, peace, and wisdom so take hold of those things and run with the freedom and identity of being an heir to the Kingdom of God.
One of the biggest things I have to continue to surrender is this sense that I need to plan everything. I love that the Lord has given me such a colorful imagination and He made me to be a dreamer but sometimes I think that my plans are concrete and need to go the way I envision them. Maybe it is a sense of pride or a touch of control. Nonetheless, it comes as a source of friction between the gifts the Lord has given and spoken over me. Freedom for me is taking things day by day knowing that I can be inspired by my dreams but ultimately the Lord has it all under control. As soon as my days are driven by the fear of the future or the unsettling feeling that things won’t go my way I have to reevaluate my perspective. You see, I think that my revelation of the two paths from before has something more to it. Our choice between the two paths isn’t just for big decisions but rather it is something presented to us every morning that we open our eyes and draw a breath. Today will I be ruled by my emotions or by the certainty of my Jesus? Will I allow fear, pride, control, etc. rule my day and decisions or will I surrender my day to the will of the One who has painted a future more beautiful than I could ever imagine?
So as I continue in this process of healing I will have an opportunity every morning to choose one of the paths set before me. I love being sold out for Jesus because through every trial and hard question that life throws at me I am ruled by an ultimate sense of trust in a character that is good. Unwavering, ruthless trust. So when things come up, big and small, I know I’m taken care of and covered. Exciting things like what happens next for me. Practical things like how I’m going to get a car (haha Jesus please provide). Or even unspoken things like dreams of mine that have yet to come to fulfillment. Our Lord is sovereign and knows us better than we know ourselves but He enjoys it when we keep an open line of communication with Him. He is our king but also our friend. He is justice and love. He is a Father that won’t let go and won’t let us down. He protects and nourishes us. He encourages us to spread our wings. He laughs when we finally get a revelation. He is in it with us. Our God isn’t distant and uninterested. He is closer than we could ever imagine.
I was debating on whether or not to share about my doctor’s appointment but I feel a prompting from the Spirit to let you know the fullness of what is going on. My oncologist is very… straightforward. So when I sat in his office waiting for him I was sitting up straight and smiling because I was so proud of my improvement during treatment. My little optimistic bubble popped as soon as he walked in and started talking about treatment plans. He brought up a certain treatment that I can honestly say I’m pretty against. When I asked him about other options he plainly said that if I didn’t go the way he wanted, “Your cancer will come back and you will die.” How about that for an extreme ‘my way or the highway.’ I shut down and walked away from the appointment feeling dimmed. Like my light had been shut off by some scary threat from the big medical guru. That was soon replaced by a pretty intense anger. I had plans and this wasn’t going to get in the way of them. I had been complacent as they cut away at me and treated me like a science project but this had gone too far. Trust me, I was angry. I was going to fight tooth and nail to keep myself safe. I have to say that I still, in some ways, feel the same but the intensity of it all has calmed down. Now, more than ever, I have to place complete trust in the Lord and take each day as it comes. His Word and promises trumps all others and I sure am thankful for that. So cheers to giving my life completely to the one who made it and watching as my story unfolds. Only He knows what is to come and I can say I’m okay with that. More than okay. Thankful.