I can track on a timeline the different times I received disappointing or confusing news from a doctor about my cancer treatment. From the rollercoaster of my recurrence to choosing a treatment plan for preventative care. Almost every time I am listening to the doctors explain another new report I am struck with this thought. Am I really going to be the person whose life is cut short by cancer, who lives with a disability, who doesn’t get to fulfill what most people long for? Or is something going to finally click and I will be able to walk out my dreams in life. To live till I’m old and sitting on my porch in my rocking chair.
I had a revelation the other night when I was thinking about my upcoming appointments. Lately, I have felt this tug from the Lord. A nudge saying that my healing is coming. I truly believe my time is approaching for full restoration. I can feel it in my dry, dead bones. My revelation was that I am not really afraid of the outcome of the appointments. I’m not afraid to face more treatment. I am afraid He won’t show up. That I’m not doing enough for Him to count me as a worthy recipient of His healing. I’m afraid of the disappointment that would come if I didn’t hear what I want from my oncologist.
There is a passage in a book I’m reading called Hinds’ Feet on High Places. The main character Much-Afraid is talking with the Shepherd about ascending a treacherous mountain to reach the High Places. The Shepherd had just explained that He will always be within our reach even if we cannot see Him. She replies,
“As these scenes rose before her, tears began to prick in her eyes and the thorn pricked her heart, but almost at once she turned to the Shepherd and said thankfully, ‘I will trust you and do whatever you want.’
Then, as she looked up in his face, he smiled most sweetly and said something he had never said before, ‘You have one real beauty, Much-Afraid, you have such trustful eyes. Trust is one of the most beautiful things in the world. When I look at the trust in your eyes I find you more beautiful to look upon than many a lovely queen.”
In these times as the earth cries out to the Father I see many struggle with the concept of trust. I wrote recently that one of my favorite parts of Jesus is the table turning side. The fact that He doesn’t just stand against injustice but boldly revolts against it. He feels deeply with us as we hold onto faith and not give way to fear. I see Him holding us close to His chest as He sees the trust in our eyes. He is always within reach of us and desires for us to cry out to Him. He meets us where we are because we approach the cross with our sloppy mess ups, our trembling hearts, and our grieving spirits. He looks in our eyes and sees beauty. When a crisis brings us to our knees He is right there with us burning away the false gods.
Seek the truth always. Healing is coming.